life and death.

the storm on sat had blown many of my sis's friends down.

of all the fallen trees that she showed me, i felt sad upon seeing this one. it is so lifeless, so dead when it was once standing strong.


(credits to sis: link to her blog under 'qianyu')


taken after my maternal grandma's death. she died on a wednesday night, around 8 something. my family and didnt get to see her 最后一面, but there was not much difference as when she was still alive, she was basically a living dead, surviving on breathing tubes, totally unconscious. i would say, death is a great relief for her.


it was the second last day of the 5 whole days, though i only attended the last 2.

the last day was the cremation of my grandma. it was the first time i saw the process. it really seemed like sentencing someone to death. ya, im crazy to link it to something ridiculous. it was scary to see the coffin being slowly carried by a deivce to the 'furnace'. u can see the fire when the little door to the furnace opened and closed after the coffin when in. i heard sobs of my relatives and everyone started saying 'deng chu lo ma/mother'.

i cried when my grandma stopped breathing.
i cried when my mum said ‘现在要看外婆都没机会了’. (my mum would always ask me every sunday when im at home ‘要看外婆吗？’） though i would always say yes, i always didnt have much talk with her due to dialect barrier.
i cried when i heard the ppl who carried the coffin to the van said '1, 2, 3 up' (we were told to turn our backs when they carried the coffin away)
i cried when the body was cremated and relatives calling out 'time to go home, mother'
i cried everytime i thought of her alive.

i miss my grandma badly though she didnt live with me. i remembered her asking me if i want to eat apple and i said yes and she went to cut it for me. she accidentally cut her finger and it was bleeding profusely. she loved to collect coins and when my sis and i were young, she would give us little bottles of coins she collected.

i love her for she always held our hands affectionately when we visited her.
i love her even though at her twilight years, when her memory was failing badly, she couldnt recognise my sis and i.
i love her for her love for me.

the one thing which i regretted very very badly was that of all pictures i took, i hadnt took a single one of her when she was still around.